I Should have been Brave
I should’ve been brave.
I shouldn’t have closed my eyes and pressed my hands to my ears when the anger of those around me became became thunderous.
I shouldn’t have questioned God, because I knew what He meant in the first place.
I shouldn’t have cried and told Him “I can’t.”
But surely God would never ask of me that which would upset the ones I love.
So I apologized to man for hurting their feelings. I was sorry for doing the right thing because it was divergent. I was guilty for changing.
“I’m wrong, you’re right.”
I smiled sheepishly. I fidgeted my fingers. I didn’t look them in the eye because I was afraid to be bold.
I should have been the strong, beautiful, brave one; like courageous Esther.
But I wasn’t.
I was Jonah: the guy noone wants to be. Jonah who feared. Jonah who ran. Jonah who screwed up and had to start over.
What if I am an embarrassment to God?
I did what He asked, but with my head hung in shame. I followed His words but mine were contrite and feeble.
I was weak. And I hate that.
We pray to our Father,
Dear God, I want to cross the finish line but please don’t make me race. What if i come in last?
Give me results, God, but please don’t make me work. I could hurt myself.
God give me a breathtaking spirit-filled story; that one the silences the whole church. But please skip the journey, God. It’s treacherous.
I want to be better NOW. I want to understand NOW.
I want to be brave NOW.
These growing muscles are sore. They’re shredded, torn, and tiresome. I don’t want to hurt to grow.
But we grow. And I grew, just a little a bit. I did what I knew I was supposed to do, despite my fear.
And maybe that is, in a way, another kind of brave
Maybe bravery isn’t always performing some amazing feat without fear. Maybe bravery is also doing the right thing when it’s the scariest thing.
Maybe bravery is doing good when others around you shower you with negativity.
Yes, I was apologetic, but next time I’ll be a little more declarative.
Yes, I was weak, but next time I’ll be a little stronger.
Yes, I was shy but next time I’ll be bold.
Yes I was scared, but I was also brave, because I did it. I did it in spite of my fear.
Dear Reader, we can’t learn without lessons. We can’t grow without pains.
I am not the person I will be and neither are you.
Please, share your story of bravery.