Is it Insecurity or Vanity?
It’s like a never ending staircase.
Well, more like a never ending tunnel. You get tunnel vision.
One thing becomes two things which become five and ten and twenty different things that are wrong with my face and I haven’t even picked out an outfit or done my hair yet.
Gosh, she’s beautiful doesn’t she know that? Of course she does but that’s not the problem.
The problem is thirst. I can’t be quenched because I won’t drink. I consume their compliments. I love the way they look at me. It’s not an insecurity, it’s an addiction. And, baby, I’m addicted to me.
Who is that girl? Because she’s certainly not me, not the me I wake up with, anyway. She’s the one I want to be. I’d like to be her. I love her! She’s my mask and my muse. My obsession is her. Her little zit, her tiny freckle. Her face is a painting to be criticized and critiqued. She’s my masterpiece with her depth and precision.
But really, I’m a puddle. I’m shallow and that mucky, puddle water swells up inside of me. It makes me puffed, proud, and powdered. But really, I’m exhausted. I have the black night sky under my eyes. And really, my eyes have lost tears because my hair was frizzy. Because I couldn’t get brush strokes right. Because I smudged the painting.
Oh lord, has it gotten this bad? I was doing so good last week! I could blame society. The media led me astray. But really, as always, It’s me. Me me me.
You know, I’m many things. I’m creative. I’m empathetic. I like to think I’m humorous and fun. But really, I’m also insecure…vain, really. And I’m ashamed of it. And I wrestle with it from time to time.
I think it’s fun to try on nice clothes and do my hair. It’s fun and it’s something healthy girls love to do. That’s all fine. But sometimes I go too far and I know other girls do, as well. I hate myself because I don’t look just right. I hate myself because of a tiny pudge under my shirt. I call it insecurity but really, it’s vanity.
It’s hard to get away from because once you’re brain starts thinking in a pattern, it’s difficult to change it.
I wish I could say, “I’m not insecure anymore”. But thats not true. I still struggle with it and maybe you do too.
I can’t offer you advice yet, but I can say: “I know what it’s like”.
It’s cheesy but, I’m beautiful and so are you.
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”
“I can do all things through Yahshua who strengthens me.”